Last night was my night off. The homie Nicole was going to take me for a low-key night at a lounge by the beach, but somehow we’d found ourselves at a poolside cabana on the roof of the W Hotel in Hollywood, at Drai’s. Not normally our scene — it was so quintessentially Hollywood and the line was bananas and you know I’m too old for that shit — but a friend of a friend had a table and we never would’ve made the effort otherwise. Tipsy off a single shot and a single drink. Somebody even called me a MILF! It had been a long time since I’ve been out like that, and I so needed it.
Ironically, on the way in, I was confessing to Nicole that the pressure to have another baby now was finally getting to me. I do want another baby but logically I know right now is a bad time for me — I have too many things already going on. But for all the posts I’ve written about how important it is to keep up your roll-out condition, I feel guilty that I’m even factoring in my aspirations. It seems like everyone is pregnant with their next kid and over the past couple of days I had seriously been considering putting all of my shit on hold to do the expected and have another child. I’m not sure I’d ever put an actual word to it before last night, but being in grad school and putting this much thought into my goals makes me feel… really selfish.
If I were on the outside listening to myself, I’d probably smack me. I know it’s silly to feel this way. The past three years have been all about grinding for Hugga. And it’s not like she’s not still My Reason for Everything — my family responsibilities will always be my number 1 top priority. I mean, it’s not wrong to have a life outside of your kids right? To have interests and dreams outside of your family? I thought I was past all this — why am I still asking these questions?
And looking back on my posts, both online and off, I really think I just had a hypomanic episode this month. While settling the family into LA, I have been overwhelmed by new ideas. I wasn’t joking about “freeing the Joneses” — I really do have a newfound sense of freedom, mostly about the direction of my career out here.
There are a billion next steps. I don’t just feel pressure to have the next baby. Even the pressure to get something measurable accomplished in the near future has gotten to be too much. Everything I read these days talks about how “not having time” to pursue extracurricular goals is just a lazy excuse, but I think it mostly applies to people who aren’t already trying reach their goals. Between mothering, work, and school, I have to finally surrender to the fact that there isn’t enough room in my schedule to pursue all of my goals right now. I want to eventually get all these things done, but since moving to LA, it’s like I’ve completely lost my ability to set timelines.
The good news is, it’s forced me to actually write things down on paper, to keep track of my ideas and actually plan out my year. Then hopefully I’ll be in a better position to make a sibling for Hugga happen.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
i, mami! don’t feel guilty, you deserve it! the last time i was at this rooftop, was a couple months before i met my future husband and father of my child. omg, that’s like 8 years ago! i’m glad you had a good time
I feel that everyone I know is having a baby too. And after I got married, trying to get pregnant was all I could think about. And after trying and trying and still not pregnant, I decided that when it happens, it does. I have a lot to focus on right now, including a new job on the horizon that will hopefully set the foundation for the future when kids do come into the picture.
I think that tracking down all the things you want to accomplish in writing – like on paper does help a lot. Write it down (or type it out and print it out) and put it somewhere where you’ll always see it, like by your desk. I find that helps too. I hear you on having so many ideas! I feel that way too, but I figure if I focus on a couple things first, and work on those, I’ll be closer to accomplishing the goals for those things.