I’d been trying to think of a reasonable way to tell him, just to reach out somehow, but I didn’t think there was any good point as to why I would need to except to give him an unnecessary heart attack. It’s not even like it had anything to do with him, but I guess I needed to let him know that the ship was finally leaving the harbor. After all those months of just waiting for a sign, a phone call, an email, something, his ears must’ve finally been burning.
He was surprised, but said that he was happy for me. He didn’t sound very happy.
It felt wrong to say that I missed him, or that I’d been thinking about him. It felt wrong to think about him or miss him at all. He still doesn’t believe he did anything wrong by me. I wanted to tell him that this might have never happened if he’d just kept in touch, or if he was more careful about the things he said to me back then. The need to erase him from my memory wouldn’t have been so urgent.
But I’ve made this my choice and, because of this, it’s become The Best Thing That’s Ever Happened To Me. Nothing to blame anybody for.
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I’ve read this post three times now, and I’m feeling a ramble coming on; I’m going to play the wise old lady role here and say what I’m thinking. Naturally I don’t have any particular wisdom re: relationships–who does?–but I know from examining choices I’ve made recently that motives and emotions and whatnot can get swirled up.
It seems like your relationship with Ron, nontraditional as it was, is informing the choices you’re making now, and that’s maybe not what’s best for you, long run. Speaking as someone who jumped into the dating pool too soon after losing someone important, I’d advise caution. I get that you’ve known the guy you’re seeing for some time in an on-again, off-again fashion, but please don’t make any super-big decisions right now, or in the immediate future. I tried to keep it together and be rational and smart after my breakup, even though friends (who, as it turns out, knew better) told me to keep to myself and find out who I am without my Veronica. I decided to ignore the advice, and I’m paying for it. I don’t expect you to listen to me just like I didn’t listen to them, and ultimately you’ve gotta be happy with your choices. You seem to be. But I wouldn’t be much of an occasional internet friend if I didn’t at least offer the ear to listen, and the same advice I was given: slow it down to a stop, get your bearings alone, then start making choices.
You’re smart, talented, and wicked cute. The world is your oyster. True story: a few weeks ago some guys at work were discussing who the hottest celebrity was. I told them to do their worst, I had someone hotter. I scrambled through your flickr pics, got my 3 or 4 favorites together, and shows the guys. Girl, you broke 3 more hearts with nothing but pixels.
Your pal & ex-chimp, E