I’ve borrowed this year’s motto from a friend: 2010, Find My Zen.
I actually wish I was experiencing a more unrealistic high over the new year and the fresh start, but things have mostly evened out. Some great things have happened, but the accumulation of minor annoyances plus my abhorrent cycle-related mood swings have neutralized or negated them. One minute I’m on cloud 9 because my boss just approved a request to work from home three days a week; the next minute it’s like my entire year is ruined because Huz and I can’t seem to get our schedules to align. I’m trying really hard to see these as opportunities to learn how to voice my concerns, ask for help, or cope with stress. After all, the goal is to find serenity amidst the chaos; the chaos won’t just magically disappear. But I can’t help feeling defeated.
It’s day 5 of the new year, and as well as I’ve been doing with a few of my resolutions, I don’t feel like I’ve been making any progress. I can’t even get out the gate. I don’t expect to meet all of my goals overnight, but the feeling of gaining momentum is important for goals, and I don’t have momentum. I feel like I have ended every day back at Square One.
As for my resolutions list, I’ve already started some and had to tweak others.
Clean out the sink every night before going to bed: This is Fly Lady’s first baby step and it’s really worked wonders for my stress level. I know this because the week before my cycle I was only mildly irritable and on edge (whereas I’d normally be starting fights with Huz and maybe getting ready to drive off a cliff). This is a monumental step for me, and just to make the mornings easier, I’m now setting aside about 30 minutes a night to clean the sink, set the coffee maker, and make lunch.
Finish reading two books every month: First off, the Kindle has single-handedly saved my sanity while being snowed in. I’ve already finished Eating the Dinosaur (good, but not my favorite of Klosterman’s work) and now I’m onto The Happiness Project and NurtureShock. NurtureShock is a fascinating book I’d implore all parents and teachers to check out. The Happiness Project is a little self help-y, but as a working mom, I definitely share the author’s struggle. Plus, it’s a great book for the New Year, as it actually begins with this woman’s New Years Resolutions.
Complete a Project 365: Well, I started one.
Be real about treating my PMDD: I’m hesitant to talk to Huz or my mom about this, even as a warning shot, because I know it’ll come up that I’m somehow using this as an excuse to act out of pocket. But I’m already trying so hard to keep it under wraps, to be mindful that my hormones are off and not to take it out on loved ones, and it is draining to the point of being physically painful. The best I end up doing is dragging my feet around the house, looking miserable but at least not yelling at anybody. Imagine knowing that the world is going to end tomorrow, and having to spend the last day of your life ignoring that fact. That’s what it feels like, pretending that this isn’t disruptive to my life. My entire body is in pain and I’m so anxious, even loud noises make me want to tear someone’s head off.
I’m adamant about not being medicated — I was diagnosed with clinical depression (though it was probably related to seasonal affective disorder) and I hated every minute I was on Zoloft, but it turned out I was fine once spring came. The problem is, “treating” this issue will require me to live a healthier lifestyle, make some changes that I’m not sure I’m ready to make (primarily giving up coffee, and I can’t imagine myself being happy without it). Basically, what I’m saying, in the dead of winter and the week before my period, is that living a healthier lifestyle doesn’t feel worth it to me.
Don’t get it twisted, it’s not like I feel like this all the time (I didn’t even deal with PMS this severe until after childbirth). But when it comes, it’s uncontrollable. It’s like no matter what I do, I have no power over my thoughts or feelings. I’ll give it a week before I write this off as a failed resolution, though. I’ll probably have a better outlook on life once my period has passed and I’m not so full of rage.
Keep a handwritten journal: I’m amending my original list to include this. Since Huz gave me the Livescribe for Christmas and I can back up everything I write on my Mac, handwriting in a diary doesn’t seem like such a waste of time (I truly am a child of the digital age). The sixth Carnival of Pen, Pencil, and Paper actually makes it look fun. Plus it’ll probably be good practice in stifling my urge to constantly self-edit.
Anyway, still trying to stay positive for the new year. Good luck on all of your resolutions, friends.
{ 0 comments }
