Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I ain’t gonna let you kill it.
See, I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine…
- Mary J. Blige
More than one person has brought this up to me in the past few weeks as a way of trying to understand where my family is coming from: People don’t know how to act — and sometimes even find it intimidating — being close to a person who has gone off the path they know and still managed to work their life out okay. It makes them question the voices they listened to and the choices they made in life when people they know write their own plays, create their own lives, and don’t meet any devastating consequences.
You guys know I still have a bevy of issues, but I try to keep my public self looking together. I’ve been pretty clear on the blog about not feeling at 100% in my life right now, but I’m getting there. I still laugh and I want to laugh more. And as much as I write about how much they make me crazy, my family seems to understand I’m sort of happy; that despite all the things that have happened and all the things my family warned me against that I did anyway, my life has not turned to poverty or drugs or prostitution. I paced myself, listened to my gut, had my baby and married my boyfriend when I was ready, and my life is good. It’s a scary thought to some — that you could’ve gone out and had a lot more fun and still returned home to a normal life.
I wouldn’t take any of my decisions back. I’m thankful for the life I’ve had so far, thankful I’ve had my fun as a single girl, thankful I’ve seen what I’ve seen and learned what I learned. I’m glad my daughter and the opportunity to grow up came when it did.
I have to humble myself too — I’ve done so much bitching about them this year, but I owe my normal life, a life not lost to darkness and total desperation, to my extended family. Yes, they drive me nuts and take me down a few pegs every chance they get, but if they hadn’t carried me along and supported me in the only ways they could, it could’ve been a lot harder and we might not have it as good as we do now. It’s because of them that I’ve had energy to mature and work on my relationship with Huz. It’s because of them that we live in a good house in safe neighborhood and can actually work to afford it. It’s because of them that I have the privilege to think about all the other, more fun things I could be doing. It’s even because of them that I challenge myself to be awesome, even if it sometimes hurts.
I’m thankful for my mom, because even though I’m sometimes resentful of the perfect, Supermom example she’s set and constantly pushes me to be, I know that her example did not come without a lot of heartache and sacrifice. I wish she would have prioritized her happiness over what she thought she was doing for my own good, but for those sacrifices I owe her my life. It is a jarring and constant reminder that my happiness is important to my daughter, and so it should always be a priority. My mom is entirely responsible for all of my accomplishments, all of my strength, and all of my potential, and I’m thankful for the example she sets for me every day.
I’m thankful for small joys like a good book, a much-needed conversation, a monthly massage, yoga class, and having some pocket change at the end of the month to buy myself something nice. I’m thankful to have coworkers I like to buffer out the coworkers I don’t like. I’m thankful for my husband, and yall know why. And most of all, I’m thankful for every waking Hugga moment — the I Love Yous, the cuddles, the tantrums, the reminders that sometimes you just have to dance… everything. Whether there are enough hours in the day to tell them, it is because of her that I will never run out of stories.
I’m also thankful that God has blessed me with the good sense to know that where I am is always exactly where I need to be. The saying goes, “If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.” So I’m thankful for my problems and my daily stresses. I may be scheming for an exit, but in due time, it’ll come. And besides, I’ve got some pretty good blessings to make up for them.
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